beepaw, apprentice of riverclan

BEEPAW


AGE 6 moons
GENDER bigender (he/his or she/her)
CLAN riverclan
RANK apprentice


SHORT DESCRIPTION fluffy pale ginger and cream tabby cat with large hazel eyes

APPEARANCE ---

PERSONALITY beepaw is a classically shy kid with a propensity for somehow quietly insinuating herself into whatever she's interested in. this comes as a surprise to many, as she isn't really the type to walk up and make conversation— her time in shadowclan has left her nervous around cats she doesn't know well and she tends to expect the worst behavior from them. somehow, someway, though, she just sort of.. appears with reproachful eyes and a nervous, low-crouched posture. if her nervous disposition gets in the way of her curiosity (and it does), she doesn't mention it and instead chooses to quietly collect herself and make the best of the situation she finds herself in. in part from the lack of sympathy she received in shadowclan and mostly from her own well of perseverance, beepaw rarely complains— and when she does, it is soft, mild-mannered, and more of a gentle reproach than actual grievance.

at first glance, beepaw seems like the type of apprentice to have many friends. he is warm and welcoming, with a polite greeting or compliment for everyone, but this politesse comes with a reservation towards, especially, cats his own age. he expects everyone to treat him poorly because of his half-clan heritage, and his very sudden and well-publicized arrival into riverclan, and so beepaw holds himself apart from the other apprentices and most younger warriors in an effort to minimize the risk of someone harassing him. in this same vein, he tries relentlessly to be overwhelmingly sweet— because if he's just too nice, then surely no one can find fault with him. this behavior didn't aid him in shadowclan, but he still carries through with it, even though it makes him a prime target for bullying because he doesn't go to his leader, deputy, or mentor for help with interpersonal problems.

at the core of his heart, beepaw is bitter that he was bullied for being half-clan, a very small part of his personal identity, when his gender identity was accepted without question. as a result, he can become passive-aggressive or downright snippy when his half-clan heritage is brought up... except no one expects beepaw, of all cats, to be rude, so his rebukes tend to be misinterpreted. it doesn't help that beepaw's aggression and the aggression of, say, cardinalstar, are on two separate planes of existence. because his is rarely outspoken enough to attempt a second, louder complaint, his softly spoken irritation is overlooked and beepaw is left to leave his upset to simmer, sizzle, and eventually fizzle out to a dull, pessimistic attitude. while she doesn't expect anyone to listen to her, she deeply values her opinions and thoughts being acknowledged and a lack thereof leaves her listless and unhappy.

in truth, she deeply resents that she allows others to walk all over her emotions, but this is so carefully hidden beneath layers of neutrality, warmth, and kindness that even beepaw himself rarely acknowledges it. as an apprentice beepaw is inefficient at managing his anger, leading to bursts of tears and crying that looks more like upset than fury. having never allowed himself to actually express negative emotions in shadowclan, beepaw struggles to learn how to vent these frustrations as an older cat. as an adult, his patience remains almost infinite and these bursts of anger become as precise as the subtle knife. the outbursts of tears become outbursts of destruction which rarely end until beepaw has exhausted his last reserves of energy or thoroughly dismantled whatever straw broke the camel's back.

for beepaw, naivety is not accidental but a choice. he knows, logically, that there are cats in the world whose only motives are negative, selfish, and destructive, but it is much easier to paint these cats as pained by some invisible wound than it is to recognize them as simply hurtful. an overabundance of empathy makes it all the more difficult for him to paint cats as black and white caricatures of good and evil— an overlapping between his kittenish desire to have everyone like him, his pointed efforts to be continually friendly even in the face of hostility, and the logical jadedness that tries in vain to reassert itself. 


HISTORY 

• born to sparrowtail (riverclan tom) and wolfheart (shadowclan she-cat) despite wolfheart's firm decision to not have kits. wolfheart had attempted to abort the pregnancy with the help of the medicinecat but the herbs were not entirely effective. beekit's siblings, only irritably given the brief names owlkit and ratkit, were stillborn and he was born sickly, though he recovered quickly.
• wolfheart made her disinclination towards being a mother quickly known and was inattentive in her parenting, more out of disinterest than malice. beekit was frequently alone, as the other queens were reluctant to foster a kit they strongly suspected was not entirely shadowclan. 
• beekit was bullied frequently by the other kits when they grew old enough to understand that being half-clan was a bad, bad thing. too quiet and mild to defend herself, beekit took to isolating herself from the clan and spend a lot of time alone in an effort to minimize the harassment.
• at wolfheart's first gathering after having kits, heronstrike hears rumors that she gave birth to kits who are part riverclan. sparrowtail is unaware he sired kits and is baffled as to why wolfheart is suddenly hostile towards him. 
• wolfheart is approached by heronstrike and asked to relinquish beekit to riverclan. seeing an opportunity to rid herself of her unwanted pregnancy, wolfheart whole-heartedly agrees and explains to beekit that he's going to live with his other clan. she does not seem particularly interested in beekit's opinion on the matter, though beekit is neutral to the decision. 
• at six months of age, beekit is taken to riverclan after his mother takes him on a celebratory "hunt" for being of apprenticeship age. she returns alone, saying that beekit had stumbled into the river and been washed to sea. the clan does not particularly mourn his loss, especially given that beekit had made an effort to be as unnoticed as possible. 
• beekit arrives at riverclan with heronstrike, whom he has decided is his only support in the new clan. he attaches himself like glue to the deputy and is often found peering suspiciously out from around heronstrike's gangly legs.
• although he is still very new to the clan, beekit is apprenticed to owleye (cleared with starks via PM) so that he isn't trailing behind the other apprentices his age. as he did with heronstrike, beepaw attaches herself to owleye instead of becoming closer to the other apprentices. she fears that, should she spend too much time with them, they will learn to bully her just as her previous clanmates did.

OTHER anything else?